that was me, but people change

I never believed the saying that it is a small world. Well not until I stepped into the doors of the academic institution that I am currently attending. It is in this organization that I met once again people from my past that I wished I remained in contact with, and I really appreciate those moments. And with that goes the opposite. Sometimes there are things that you want to run away from, people you do not want to see, events that you do not want to remember. But sometimes, the hardest things to forget and the hardest to avoid are those that you keep on seeing, those that you keep on remembering.

I guess the chance to start fresh and leave everything behind comes once in a lifetime, and even that you still cannot completely run away. Everywhere you go, a part of that past goes with you. You cannot get rid of it because it is a part of you. The person you are now is a product of that past, no matter how good or horrible it is.

What I learned from all these is that you cannot run away from anything. The world is small enough for you to meet, once again, people that will remind you of the skeleton that is hiding in that closet. And if you do manage to run away from everyone, you cannot run away from yourself. The only thing that you can do is to change who you are to who you want to be, learn to accept the past and embrace the present, and look forward to the future. And if one day the dreaded skeleton comes to haunt you again...just smile and say: "that was me, but people change".

A to do list (a confession)

1)I wanna start living in the present, stop thinking about the past, and all the "what-ifs" that come with it. I want to stop living for the future, with the life goal to aim for that ultimate perfection that does not really exist. I want to stop running...chasing that person next to me or the other person, or running for that ultimate goal...and then what?!?

2)I want to learn to forgive, not just others but myself for all those mistakes, and horrible events that lead to sleepless nights, for all those little imperfections. I want to let go of the hate that grew in my heart over the years.

3)I want to learn to love more and more people and things everyday, and for those that I already love, I want to love it more and turn it into a passion.

4)I want to learn to love me. To know myself, to be myself, and to love myself and yet, try to improve it by learning from everything that I do, and from everyone I meet.

5)And finally, I want to learn how not to be afraid to show that self to others.

Another promise :)

From now on I'm going to stop trying to be normal! You are probably thinking: "what is that supposed to mean?"

To begin with, let me define normal based on the context above. Normal means, doing things the same way as how the general population would do it, like reacting to certain situations, study habits, etc.

Now that I defined normal, you are probably wondering why I would want to stop trying to be normal. Isn't being normal supposed to be part of everyone's daily life (like an involuntary action)? Well, that is the point. I am far from normal. Okay maybe not that far, but the distance is (as accountants would phrase it) "material enough to be disclosed".

For the last few years, I've been trying to be close to the norm. But recently, I realized that not all normal things fit in my life. Like marks, yes I do care about them as much as normal people do. But crying over spilled milk, and stressing about it (because everyone is) rather than finding a solution is not really my thing, nor does taking those bird courses that I would probably fail because I am not interested in them. I don't cram either, rather I am used to (my brain is) studying during the lecture part and taking it easy before the days of the test. Pressure and marks are not the way to motivate me, but love for what I do and the desire to be good at it drives me to do my best.

In other words, the buttons that I push to motivate myself is very different from other people, and that's what makes me different from them. And although there are people who cannot appreciate this uniqueness, I should not change myself and the way I do things just to please them. After all, it is better to have difficulty trying to let others understand this uniqueness in the short-run, than suffering (and getting depressed) in the long-run because I don't understand myself.

*thanks a lot QC!!!

the reason I am still UNattached

With relationships forming left and right, there are days that I do wonder, why am I still unattached. I was given in the past a few chances to be with someone. But during those moments, I came up with a list of reasons not to (well, enough to put a certain book-turned movie in shame)...
One of the common ones would be: a relationship does not fit in my schedule. But for me, time is an illusion that we, humans, created. Yes, it is a set amount over the course of a day, a week, a month, etc. but as the saying goes, "we can always make time". Therefore, it is not really time that is keeping me away from a relationship. It is something else.
As much as I do not want to admit, I am not ready for one. Well, it is not one of those: "I had a bad break-up that I can't get over with" or "I am still in love with my ex" stories. Rather, I do not see myself in one. I would love to be able to day dream sometime about my future self in a relationship without laughing or rolling my eyes,but right now, it is not happening.
And about those whom I like(d)...I guess it is nothing but a different form of care. A feeling that I want them to be happy because they deserve to be happy. And although I want to see them have a happy ending. That happy ending is not going to be with me.

LOVING someone...

From what I've learned so far, the hardest part in loving someone is showing them and letting them know how much you love them. Because it is not when you want to (and have the time to) show them how you feel that they will feel it. Rather, it is when they needed it most and you were there that they will know. And in any relationship, the hardest question would not be how much can (or you are willing to) give. Rather, it is how much you are supposed to give. Because sometimes, for a relationship to work, one must be patient, kind and forgiving. It sounds silly, but come to think about it, if we are all going to be selfish, nothing will work out. We will just be in and out of relationships.

So from now on, I PROMISE to be patient, kind, and forgiving; because I don't want to live my life regretting that I didn't make it work.

sometimes, I wonder what adults are...

What does make people happy, contented, and hopeful? Time and time again, I wonder what makes people wake up in the morning and look forward to another day at home, at work, or somewhere in between. I do wonder...

I am child no more, and as I get more acquainted to the world of less (or more fun), responsibilities, unsolvable problems, and lack of sleep. I wonder a lot of things about adults. I can clearly remember my thoughts about the beings of this new world where I now belong; beings called adults. As a child, I thought mom and dad have all the answers to problems, if not them, some other adults do. And as I grew up, I slowly realized that that is not the case. There are certain things in life that adults do not know the answer to, nor do the answers are in the books that they and those deceased ones wrote. Because sometimes, there are no answers, or that they are so many answers that you have to figure out yourself which one is the best for you and only you, most of these type of problems go on a case-by-case basis...

Like this: What makes people happy, or contented?

This is probably a silly question, but I don't think I can even define happiness. Happiness in its simplest form is probably getting a chocolate bar all for myself when I was a child. But happiness in the adult world is hard to define, because as we grow up we become more and more complicated to the point that it takes more complicated things to make us happy. But are we really happy? Are we happier or at least as happy as that child? Or are we living in the illusion that we are happy because according society, if you have a good career, fame, and fortune, you should be happy? That I do wonder...

If you're not happy, you're probably at least hopeful; hopeful enough to wake up in the morning, and look forward to a new day (okay, maybe the looking forward to a new day part does not fit everyone)...But I do wonder...what makes adults hopeful? What makes them wake up everyday just to face a life full of problems and uncertainty? Don't they get tired of trying to figure out what they want to do in life or what their role should be in society? That I do wonder...

Finally, I do wonder what is with work that makes adults happy, nor with love or that other thing associated with it called relationships. Are those three things have some addictive content in them that makes you happy? Probably.

Work is challenging. It also keeps you busy that you don't even feel time passing by. Finally, work is a really good distraction. It is like a hideaway from you nagging girlfriend, to your really sad personal life. But there are just enough challenges until you get tired of them, you can only pass time until you realize that you should have lived your life in a more meaningful way, and you can only hide up to a certain point, whether you like it or not, you will eventually face the sad reality (or that girlfriend).

How about relationships and love. What is good about it? Being cared for and feeling being needed is a good feeling. But giving so much and not getting anything back is a harsh reality. And in this world where I now belong, there are more messy break-ups than happily ever afters.

So why do those things make adults happy? I do wonder...

Adults are children, in a sense that we do not have all the answers. We still have fears, and we still shed tears. And as much as we want to think that we are complicated beings, we are just little children looking for a chocolate bar that we can call our own.

not CHASING after the competition

The new issue of this magazine that I read came out I think yesterday. So my friend and I decided to pick up a copy to read and in it is this article: "chase after your dreams, not the competition".

This article made me think once again why I am where I am right now, why am I doing the things that I do: working hard and getting involved (at least trying to). A part of me said that it was because of the competition. I'm not going to lie. But let's be realistic here, whether I like it or not, there is a competition. It is probably not as cutthroat as those who are competing for the best marks in the entire cohort, but a competition nonetheless. At least a good chunk of the people in my program of study will be competing for the same jobs. And that is the problem when you try to forget everything about the competition.

But at the same time, I am where I am right now, doing what I am doing because I love what I do. I work hard because I want to be good at it, because I like it. And thinking about the competition prevents me from enjoying what I am doing. And it is kind of destroying the whole learning experience!!!

What I really learned from all this, or at least what changed in the way I think is that I should do my best in everything that I do. I can still do some of the things that I know would be good for my career, but not everything to the point that I am starting to hate what I used to love.

A career is like a relationship in a sense that you are not supposed to invest everything in one thing, in one path, or in one person. The best way to live your life is to love more and more people and things everyday. Loving something or someone so much should not restrict you to that person or thing. Instead, it should be a way for you to learn more about yourself, and everything around you!!!

why the sudden blogging?!?

I don't know as well. All I know is I need a spot where I can rant and say what is on my mind.

So, what is on my mind right now???
Well, every year someone will usually ask me why I am doing what I am doing. Why am I studying in this school, taking these courses??? It's always a why...And I usually answer them with: "because I like it, or I love it."

But after that, it makes me think: for how long will I love this thing, this career path that I am taking right now? What if one day I wake up and I hate everything about it. What will happen?

I cannot imagine that day when I will hate something that I love this much. But I am not saying it cannot happen since life is something unpredictable. So now I'm thinking...is the love that I have for what I do right now enough for me to look forward to every waking day when I get to work the career where this path is heading?

That I don't know. But right now, it doesn't matter where this train is heading. All that matters is, I'm enjoying the ride. And if there is one thing that I learned from this event, it is that I should not assume that I will get off at the final stop, that there is a possibility that I might get off and choose another train that will take me to a place where I really wanted to be.

*thanks for the "why" question. I really appreciate it :)